Welcome To My Nightmare

One day I had worked myself to exhaustion. It was a particularly tough day during a very tough period of my life. During that year, I had fallen in love and broken up, made friends who were, in reality enemies, gotten myself so deeply in dept that I had no idea how I was going to get out and basically everything appeared to be going wrong.

I got home from work, ate and practically threw myself on the bed. I closed my eyes and was asleep within seconds. While sleeping, I had a dream (I assume it was a dream) that was so real and so frightening it could have come directly out of Nightmare on Elm Street.

This was no small dream. It was a life changing event. Before this night, I was living one life. Afterwards, I changed direction, took control and changed my life.

I must stress something about this dream - it felt like reality. I could see, feel, smell and taste, and I could feel pleasure and pain. It was as real to me at the time as reality.

I shut my eyes and fell asleep, then felt something grab me. I felt like I was literally pulled into something by a thousand arms. In a panic, I opened my eyes and looked around. I was standing in a forest, trees all around me. The trees looked strange, bent in sinister shapes and making frightening rustling sounds. I felt the wind blowing against my skin and shivered at the chill in the air.

I barely had a chance to take in the scenery when I was confronted by a demon.  I knew it was a demon even though it appeared in human form.  I had met this demon before, in dreams in the past.  Sometimes it came in the form of one of my parents, sometimes it looked like April, Bella, Beatrice or Jackie. Sometimes it took the form of an older man named Tony or an old boss.  More often, it was an enemy named Jeff, one of the more evil men that I have ever met. Usually I didn’t recognize the creature as the demon until after the nightmare was over and I was awake.

Sometimes the demon and I fought, sometimes we sat down and talked.  It was always devious, always seeking to twist my mind, to make me depressed and feel less confident with myself.  I had never figured out what it wanted, just that it seemed to enjoy making me feel bad. The dreams were always nightmares and always short - usually less than five minutes in length.

Sometimes I won these battles, and I would feel very good on the following day.  Less frequently, the demon won, and the next day I would be quite cranky and upset.  Usually, though, I woke up from the dream before the fight or discussion could be brought to a conclusion.  The demon seemed to like this result the best … it meant I would be depressed or sad for the rest of the day.

This time as the demon approached I pursed my lips and asked it what it wanted.  I knew it was the demon, even though it took on the appearance of a woman named Kelly.  For some reason, I saw right through it’s attempt to fool me.

The demon-Kelly approached, wearing a seductive smile.  It slowly wiggled her body as it approached, in a kind of sexy dance.  It walked a few steps, removed some clothing, shook it’s body and walked a few more steps.  If this took the usual pattern, the demon would try and seduce me … then suddenly change it’s mind and reject me.

Somehow, though, I felt different tonight. Perhaps I was bored, perhaps I had simply had a bad day. In any event, I was not interested in this game anymore.

I was merely amused by the demon … Kelly would only act this way when she wanted something.  I wasn’t going to give her anything anymore, ever again.  The demon frowned slightly. I could sense it was puzzled - this was not the usual behavior. The demon realized that it wasn’t fooling me, so it changed tactics.

Now I was sitting in Denny’s restaurant, handing $3,000 to a stranger named Tony.  He promised to use the money to help my friend April, and I truly believed in him.  I loved April, I really did, and I simply wanted to help her out of a bad jam. The scene shimmered as weeks flew past (this was a really weird looking dream-effect) and I felt sadness as I realized that I had been conned.  I just sat there in the Denny’s and felt the depression well up and the tears began to flow from my eyes.  I looked up as I heard a noise … it was Cynthia.  She handed me a flower, smiled and walked away.  It felt odd because she never did anything for me before, but suddenly I felt much better.  The depression lifted and I waited for the demon’s next attack.

Jagged shafts of light appeared, and I found myself standing in a huge room.  Hundreds of women were standing around me, mouths open in laughter.  you’re too fat, one said.  No, he’s to pale, another said.  He’s ugly, he has a beard and I don’t like men with beards … “Stop”, I yelled.  I put my hands over my ears as a hundred women screamed in anguish and the scene stopped. Hmm, that was strange.

The demon shifted the scene again.  This time I was driving home from work late one night when I suddenly heard a shot ring out.  I turned quickly, seeing a man with a gun.  I watched in horror as he shot again, and another man fell to the ground.  I stepped on the accelerator to get away as quickly as possible, and the demon whispered in my ear, saying that I should have tried to help, I should have run the man with the gun down with my car.  I just shrugged … the man was probably already dead.  The demon whispered that I should have at least reported it to the cops … I told the demon that the man was shot by gang members, and I didn’t feel like dying for a dead stranger.

However, I did feel some guilt for that act … perhaps I should have called the police.  Suddenly, my old friend Susan was sitting in the car next to me.  She took my hand and squeezed it, and told me that I was a good man.  I felt the guilt disappear … it had happened long ago and there was no need to feel bad about it.

Now I was sitting on the couch in my old apartment. Some old friends walked in, sat down and began telling me how vile I was.  They solemnly informed me that I was going to hell … and I calmly told them that their attitudes were their problem, not mine.  I could tell the demon didn’t like this answer at all, because the room began to shimmer.

The shimmering stopped and I could see that I was now in a cemetery.  I shivered because it was cold.  I looked around, wondering why the demon had brought me here.  Suddenly, the ground in front of me exploded, knocking me down on my butt.  I slowly got up, wiping the dirt from my pants.

I looked around and noticed one of the graves had opened up.  I peeked inside, already knowing what I would find.  A casket was in the bottom of the grave.  It was open, and I saw that it was empty.  I felt something walk up behind me … it was the demon, in the form of a woman named Monica.

She looked terrible, worms crawling in and out of her body.  Her face was rotted out and one of her arms was missing.  The Demon-Monica spoke to me, accusing me of putting her in the grave.  Why didn’t I come help her like she asked?  Why did I ignore her pleas for aid?  Tears were flowing down my cheeks as I answered.  I explained that I was not to blame.  I didn’t put the pills in her mouth.  I didn’t cry wolf half a dozen times, and I wasn’t the one who should be in an asylum.  I told the demon-Monica that her death was not my responsibility.

The demon-Monica answered that she loved me.  Why couldn’t I give her the attention that she needed?  Why did I abandon her?  She held out her arms (I noticed that the missing arm was no longer missing) and tried to embrace me.  I merely shook my head … Monica was dead and buried.  That nightmare was long over.

I could sense that the demon was becoming very frustrated.  This was unprecedented, and it couldn’t understand why I wasn’t reacting to it’s taunting.  Nonetheless, it kept trying.

The demon shook it’s head, realizing it had made a tactical error.  Everything changed suddenly, and I was in a cheap motel room.  The demon was on the bed, in the form of Rebecca, and old Mexican friend from many years before.  She was shivering, shaking so hard that she was having trouble sticking the needle into her arm.

I just stood there, watching as she injected heroin into her veins.  Suddenly she grinned as the drug began having it’s effect.  It was plain she liked that feeling.  However, her grin soon turned to one of alarm and pain.  She began shaking again, then moaned and collapsed on the floor.

Tears were flowing from my eyes as I watched Rebecca die.  This was new … in the real world I never did find out what had happened to her.  I had known that she was addicted to drugs, but I had never witnessed her injecting, and I had nothing to do with her death.

It took several minutes for her to die.  I watched, tears flowing down my cheeks, wondering what purpose the demon had for showing me this scene.  Before long, a man came into the room and saw Rebecca curled up on the floor. It was her brother; I disliked him on sight. He cursed, then came over and took the needle from her hands.  He kicked the poor dead woman, then left.

I was crying.  The demon, in the form of a fly on my shoulder, whispered in my ear that I could have helped Rebecca.  I could have stopped her from taking drugs.  I could have paid for her drug program.  But I didn’t care enough.

I sat down on the bed next to Rebecca’s body, put my head down between my legs and cried.  The demon appeared in front of me, grinning from ear to ear.  I looked up and smiled at it, tears flowing from my eyes.  The demon was confused … how could I smile and cry at the same time?

I told the demon that I loved Rebecca, but the decision to take drugs was her own.  The decision to kick drugs was also hers, and if she rejected that road than that was her problem.  I explained that I would have helped Rebecca … but only if she first helped herself.  I told the demon that I was crying because I had truly loved Rebecca and, if she had died in this idiotic manner, than I mourned her useless death.

The demon shrugged and changed the scene.  Now I was sitting in Jackie’s apartment.  The demon had taken her form, and was sitting on the chair across from me.  I opened my mouth, and the Jackie-demon told me to stop it.  Huh? I thought.  I hadn’t even said anything.

I took a step towards the demon-Jackie, and it smiled.  “I love you”, it said, “you’re my best friend.”  I took another step.  Tears were still flowing down my eyes from the recent experience with Rebecca, and I could have used a hug.  Even from a demon in the form of someone who had been a friend.

The demon-Jackie shook her head.  Go away, it said.  I don’t want to be your girlfriend.  I love you, Richard, the demon continued.  Don’t touch me.  How dare you ask me to help you out.  Can’t you see that I have enough problems of my own?  Can’t we just be friends?  You’re my best friend, Richard, and I’ll do anything for you.  Go away, you’re just like all the other men. 

I just stood there, stunned.  This was a fresh wound, barely healed.  It still hurt, and the tears started coming from my eyes.  My knees buckled and I felt weak.  I felt the depression and blackness beginning to overcome my defenses.  I felt the old feelings of inadequacy rise to the surface.  Why do you always hurt me, I asked the demon-Jackie?  Why can’t you give me anything, even a hug?

Suddenly I saw, just barely visible, the face of my friend Guy appear behind the demon-Jackie.  He smiled, then whispered that this wasn’t Jackie, it was the demon.  Beware, Guy said.  Don’t give into the demon this time. Jackie was a confused girl, he added, but underneath all of that she was a good woman.

I felt the strength flow into me.  My tears dried up and I laughed at the demon-Jackie.  I stood up and said one brief sentence: “I forgive you.”  It frowned, not expecting this tactic.  I looked it straight in the eye and told it that this wound still hurt, but it would heal.  I told the demon to get on with it.

The demon was getting angry now.  It really thought it had me that time.  I could see it’s face turning red with anger as the scene changed once again.  I felt much stronger now, and wondered what the demon would throw at me this time.

"Is that the best you can do?" I asked the demon.

Now I was in my old bedroom in my old apartment in Garden Grove.  The demon had taken the form of April, and she was telling me to get out of her life.  She had needed me, she said, and had used me.  She no longer needed me, so would I please get the hell out of her life?

I felt the old hurt welling up from my heart.  I had really loved this woman.  However, the wound was old and had mostly healed.  I looked the demon right in the eye and boldly asked it if this was the best that it could do.  April was long gone.

The demon snarled and switched scenes again.  Now I was a small child, running to the principal, or rather, the demon in his form.  He was talking to someone.  I interrupted him, saying that a bully had attacked me outside.  The demon looked at me with my principal's eyes, and told me to shut up.  Didn’t I see that he was busy?  Obviously, what I had to say wasn’t important. I was, after all, just a child, and the concerns of a child are nothing compared to what's going on with adults.

The tears welled up in my eyes again.  This wound really hurt, as it was deep and well protected.  Interestingly, when I looked up, I noticed the face of my old, dear friend Lola framed in the picture behind my demon-principal.  The lips moved and I strained to her what the lady had to say.  “You are important, young man”, the old woman whispered, “you are truly special.”

I felt the strength from this wonderful old lady flow into me.  The tears dried from my cheeks and I looked up into the face of my principal.  “Sir, it was not important. I'm sure you had other things on your mind. I forgive you,” I said.

The demon screamed.  The scene changed immediately.  Now I was sitting at the desk of my old boss Rick.  He was looking at me, shaking his head.  “How could you betray me like that?”, he asked.  “After everything that I did for you, how could you go out and find another job.  Weren’t you man enough to stick it out with the rest of us?”

This one I could handle.  I looked the demon-Rick straight in the eye and laughed. I laughed for several long minutes until I couldn't breath anymore. The demon just stood there patiently, waiting for me to stop. After I caught my breath, I explained to Rick that he was the idiot who had snorted the company up his nose.  I told him that I had no respect for him at all.  I told him that I would spit on him if he showed his miserable face near me again.

The demon-Rick looked stunned, and I knew that it wasn’t expecting that angle of attack - actually, the demon was not expecting any attack at all.  It just sat there, a strange look on it’s face as I told it how much I despised Rick and how little I respected him.

The scene shifted again.  Tim was sitting across a desk from me, telling me I was worthless.  I didn’t know how to program, couldn’t design my way out of a paper bag, and was generally a waste as a human being.

I just laughed.  I told the demon it would have to do better than that.  I had never respected Tim, an idiot who was now dying from AIDS and who had the common sense of a watermelon (I know it sounds silly, but that’s the first thing that came into my mind.)  The demon merely grunted and changed scenes again.

I was a small child again, perhaps twelve years old.  I was on the playground, feeling helpless because I knew that a bully was stalking me.  I looked around, and saw the bully approach.  He was grinning from ear to ear.  I screamed, but none of the other children would come to my aid … they were afraid of him also.

I ran, but the bully was faster than me.  He soon caught me and threw me to the ground.  I felt his fists begin to hit me, first in the face and then in the stomach.  I screamed, then remembered his Achilles heal.  I pulled a handful of spiders out of my pocket (interesting, I thought while doing this, how did spiders get into my pocket?)  I threw them at the bully, who screamed and ran.

I sat down on the ground for a minute to catch my breath.  There was something strange about all of this, something that bothered me.  This dream had gone on for far too long.  In fact, these dreams usually ended almost immediately, after just one scene.  The demon either won or lost, or I woke up before the dream was over.  Why was this continuing to go on?

The demon didn’t give me time to react.  The scene shimmered, although not as quickly as before.  Then I was on a hell-ride.

I was kissing April … and she laughed at me.  Before I could react, Jackie was telling me to go away.  I started to talk, but found myself just three years old, getting bitten by my dog Laddie.  Then I was on the floor, crying and holding dear old, dead Monica in my arms.  I barely had time to begin crying when I was in a cabin in Running Springs, watching my friends Dan and Brian throw up after they drank several six-packs of beer. Dan turned to me and said I was not good enough to be a member of the Fearsome Foursome.

Suddenly, I was on the baseball field in junior high school, and they wouldn’t let me play because I wanted a girl on the team.  Everybody laughed at me.  I opened my mouth to scream back at them, but before I could I was lying on the floor, writhing in pain as April’s boyfriend hit me in the head as she watched.  The scene shifted quickly, to the high school locker room where the gym teacher had ripped off my clothes and thrown me into the showers.

I screamed, and found myself watching as a man on a motorcycle sped towards the barbed wire fence.  I screamed for him to watch out, then cried as the wire cut his head off.  I ran towards him, then found myself just ten years old, watching Joy through her bedroom window.  She was in a room with a man, asking for money.  I remembered my feeling of revulsion as she did what she did and I realized that this was not the good woman that people thought she was.

Jackie’s face appeared, looked at me, and said she didn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend.  She disappeared and was replaced by Rebecca.  She was lying dead on the floor, but her lips asked me why I hadn’t helped her kick drugs.  Kelly laughed at me and called me inadequate.  A blonde whose name I don’t remember slapped my face.  A beautiful brunette ignored me.  Bella said how dare I ask her out?  She’d never lower herself enough to date someone like me, an American for God's sake.

The scenes began shifting more quickly now.  My geometry teacher told me I was useless and would never understand, my geology teacher bored me so much I lost my fascination with that science forever.  I opened the door and ran out of the room.  The door disappeared, and I found myself in a long hall.

I was alone.  Completely alone.  Nobody was anywhere.  Suddenly, April appeared, just long enough to say she didn’t care.  A friend walked past me quickly, telling me I was dirt.  A teacher ran by, saying she didn’t have time for me.  Jackie opened a door, looked at me and told me she didn’t want to be my friend, then changed her mind and said I was her best friend.

Monica floated down from the ceiling and said she loved me.  I pushed her away and she dissolved into nothingness.  Jackie changed her mind again and said that she loved me, then told me not to touch her.  I walked over and shut the door in her face.

Bella’s parents opened a door and looked at me.  They shook their heads, murmuring that I wasn’t good enough for their daughter.  No way she was going to marry a white boy … she was going to find a nice, Pilipino man to settle down with.

I was beginning to get tired of all of this, and I was wondering what the demon was trying to accomplish.  I concentrated, and my friend Ken walked in.

He looked at me, then walked over and shut the door on Bella’s parents.  He smiled and disappeared.  I was happy.  I had pulled Ken into my dream.  I began to wonder what else I could do. How much control could I exert? How much influence did I have over my dream?

I thought hard, and another old friends face appeared on the wall.  He grinned and winked at me, then disappeared.  A grave appeared in the middle of the floor and Monica pulled herself out of the dirt.  I frowned, thought hard, and watched in fascination as the floor grabbed her and pulled her back down. Hmm, perhaps I had some real power here in my dream world?

Suddenly the scene shifted again, and I found myself at my old job. Jeff stood to the left, a wide, friendly smile on his face and his arms open wide, as if to give me a hug. Gary stood to the right, also smiling reassuringly. I frowned slightly: something was not right here.

I looked more closely, and noticed the knife behind Jeff's back, blood still on the blade from betraying Maurice and Jackie. As I looked, the second face became more apparent - and that face had an evil, twisted look. That evil face whispered to Gary, saying words that I couldn't quite make out. Venom dripped from the teeth, and where the drops fell little puffs of steam appeared.

Slowly Gary's face became more pronounced. I could see that Gary had a hundred faces, some smiling, some snarling, some laughing and some spitting. The two of them moved towards me, bloody weapons ready.

I remembered the old horror movie, Nightmare on Elf Street. I always wondered - Freddy was in someone else's dream. Who was more powerful, the dreamer or the dream invader? Perhaps I was about to find out. I focused, then understood this was the demon and not those two people. It was just the demon twisting reality into something terrible. But I knew a secret - you could stand in a certain spot in the lunchroom and hear every single word said in the boss's office, clear as a bell...

Jeff and Gary disappeared, and the the demon materialized. He was not happy at all - he was not fond of the truth. The scene dissolved and a forest appeared from nowhere.  I looked around … nobody was in sight.  It was just the demon and me.

I waited, wondering what it was going to do now.  Nothing happened, so I asked it what it wanted.  The creature merely laughed.  It made me angry to be mocked by a mere demon, so I began screaming at it.  The demon laughed even harder.  The more angry I became, the harder it laughed.

After putting up with this for several minutes, I finally decided that I couldn’t take it anymore.  I screamed and attacked the demon, hitting it with my fists.  It simply laughed and pushed me backwards so hard that I fell on the ground.

This only made me more angry.  I picked up a rock and threw it at the demon.  It just grinned, grabbed it out of the air and threw it back.  The rock came flying towards me, and I was barely able to keep from getting hit.

Now I was really upset.  For some reason I grabbed a tree, and pulled it out of the ground (it was a pretty big tree also.)  I swung it around, smacking the demon across the mid-section of it’s body.  That wiped the smile from it’s face.  I had only gained a temporary advantage, however, because the demon soon picked itself off the ground.  It dusted itself off, picked up a Honda and threw it at me.

I was barely able to deflect the attack.  I guessed I had gained some kind of shielding, because I simply held up my arm and bounced the car to my left.  This was getting interesting.

The demon didn’t like this at all.  Now it picked up a tree of it’s own and swung it at me.  I stood my ground.  When the tree connected with my body it was reduced to a pile of splinters.  The demon was knocked to the ground.  I noticed that it wasn’t grinning anymore.

A huge battle followed, one of those epic battles in which worlds are destroyed.  The demon and I fought for days.  Mountains were destroyed, lakes were vaporized and whole forests were turned to desert.

After some time, I decided that I didn’t like this dream, and I tried to wake up.  The demon laughed, grabbed me and pulled me back to the dream.  “You’re not getting away that easily” it taunted. I saw my mistake - you can run for only so long.

Thus, the fight continued.  Another forest bit the dust, and a city full of helpless people who all just happened to resemble an old girlfriend was vaporized.  I was tiring fast and didn’t know how much longer I could last.  The demon saw it’s advantage and pressed the attack.

Then I got mad.  This was my dream!  I wanted this to stop.  Suddenly, I took control of the environment.  The demon soon found itself fighting the universe.  Trees wrapped themselves around it’s legs and the very ground opened up and swallowed the demon whole.  Lightening struck from the sky, and rocks picked themselves off the ground and threw themselves at the demon.

Suddenly, a picture of Buffy from “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” flashed before my eyes.  Now I knew what to do.  A long, thin sliver of oak appeared in my hand.  The demon snarled as it realized what was coming.  It fought back, but couldn’t avoid the wood as it pierced it’s evil heart.  Blood spurted out, arching several feet from it’s body.  The ground hissed with revulsion as the blood poured out from the demon’s body.  The demon fell to it’s knees as it’s strength disappeared.

I sat on the ground, breathing hard, and watched as the demon died.  It changed shape rapidly into hundreds of different forms.  Before long it looked just like Jackie.

“Jackie”, I said, tears in my eyes, “why have you done this?  How could you do this to me?”

Guy’s face suddenly appeared in a tree behind the demon-Jackie.  The scene froze as Guy said simply, “remember what we talked about.  Remember that you need to understand that she didn’t do anything to you … you did it to you.”

Guy’s face disappeared and everything started moving again.  The demon laughed and racked it’s claws across my face.  I refused to move, knowing that I wasn’t significant enough to Jackie for it to even cross her mind to hurt me.  Nothing happened … and I suddenly realized where the demon got his power. He pulled his energy directly from me.  It only had power when I gave it power.  As I realized this, it’s shape changed, flowed from Jackie’s form to that of a smooth, vaguely humanoid creature.  I could tell that it didn’t have long to live.

I was curious, and asked it, “Demon, why did you come out to fight me?”

The demon’s eye’s flashed as it got angry,  “Why do you mock me, human?” it screamed.  “It was you who pulled me from my comfortable world.  You gave me power.  Without you, I would be sitting on my leather chair, reading a book and eating good food. You brought me here and you gave me the power. You asked for me. In fact, you demanded that I come.”

The demon started to laugh when it saw the look of confusion on my face.  “I didn’t ask for you to haunt me, demon!” I yelled.

The demon continued laughing as I looked at the destruction around me.  “Human”, it said, softly now, almost with kindness, “I am you.”

Anger suddenly flashed in it’s eyes and, with it’s dying breath, it used it’s last power to push me from my dream.  I gasped as the force hit me, and suddenly I found myself sitting on my bed, covered in sweat, gasping for breath.  My arms were stretched out as if to protect myself from something, and colors flashed before my eyes. The dream was over.

And unlike the children in Nightmare on Elm Street, I had survived. I had learned and now I would heal and begin the long climb back from the depths of life. I could overcome anything and regain my own self-respect.

It was time to change the game...and I knew where to go to make that change.

Within a few months of this dream, I entered the world of Scientology, the religion formed by L. Ron Hubbard to help mankind.  Never have I made a better decision; With the technology created by Ron (as we affectionately call him) I've not only recovered my self-respect, I've grown a thousand-fold as a being.

I had indeed changed the game; this new playing field was much more fulfilling and permanent. I am far happier than I've been in a long, long time. I feel young again, innocent as a small child, yet with the knowledge, wisdom and experience of an adult.

I married a wonderful woman named Claudia, adopted some pets, moved and changed jobs. I have experienced true love with Claudia, which is a gift that few men can truthfully say; I have learned the meaning of friendship from such people as Jim and his wife Genie, Dianna, Julie, Ken, Guy and many others. These are real friends who have stood beside me through thick and thin over many years.

I have learned that I am a good person. I care about people, genuinely and passionately. I enjoy my own company, and think nothing of visiting the outdoors, seeing a play or watching a movie alone; I also enjoy being with others, and often travel with a companion or two. I delight in looking at butterflies and flowers, and one of my greatest thrills is simply laying on the ground, watching ants scurry about doing whatever business ants do, or observing a flower garden as it is visited by the local bees, wasps, hornets, flies and snails.

I have experienced the satisfaction of working for a dedicated and caring boss at my current job, and it is my honor to manage a team of extremely competent professionals.

I  am seeing the world through new eyes and it's a wondrous place, full of beauty and joy; I am having a wonderful time exploring this beautiful planet, seeing both natural and man-made artifacts and scenery.

And finally, now I recognize that I can help people effectively, using the techniques created by man's greatest friend, Ron. I have resolved to do so, once I receive the appropriate training and skills.

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